Political Theater

Even Joe Biden is afraid for his own life. A man caressing his "baby" -- an automatic assault rifle bought during the 1994 semi-automatic gun ban -- submitted a Youtube video asking the slew of Democratic hopefuls about their stances on gun control. Biden responded by identifying the questioner as one of those people who shouldn't be able to own a gun, and subsequently muttered that he hopes his remark won't result in his murder. Kucinich might also put the Senator from Delaware on his hitlist -- when the candidates were asked one aspect they like about the candidate to their left, Biden informed the audience that his favorite thing about the Congressman from Ohio is his wife.

From left to right: loser, loser, winner.

Mike Gravel let loose barbs upon the other candidates, accusing Hillary, Barack, and Edwards of taking money from the evil corporate interests. He also took a train instead of a jet, if anyone cares. The cameramen loved low-angle closeups of the Alaskan senator's mug as it spewed vitriol all over the stage.

Kucinich, the other zero percent chance of winning longshot, is obviously supported by telecom companies. Every utterance out of his mouth involved telling people to text message the letters P-E-A-C-E. No information was provided as to where you should direct the text.

Senator Dodd, 62 years old, of Connecticut, has a two-year-old and five-year-old at home, and finds it hard to support them on the income of a public servant. Barack reassured him after a question on the minimum wage, "You're doing fine Chris." One thing the Senator seemed secure about was his age. His Youtube campaign video stated that, in effect, growing a white mane proves how much experience one has. By that standard, you might as well vote for Gravel, or Biden. Or even Edwards, considering that he probably transplants every silver sprout with a nice brown tuft.

Speaking of Edwards's hair, why does he take fashion advice from Donald Trump? The Senator from North Carolina is quite the environmentalist, providing habitat for some endangered muskrat upon his scalp. Whenever Edwards was directed a query, the question as stated proved inadequate and was promptly changed to one that addressed a more "basic," or "underlying," issue at hand. Not even a nation that scores 29th (am I quoting Richardson right?) in some science and math test of its children against unspecified enemy countries falls for the obfuscating baloney of that Southern windbag. That's why he's currently in last, with five percent of the vote, on the Drudge Report "Who Won?" poll.

This debate stripped Bill Richardson of much of his previous appeal. Standing at his podium, bleary-eyed, belly paunched, the Governor of New Mexico touted his N.R.A. creds and effort to remove candy from public schools. Apparently all illegal immigrants will also receive free health care under the universal insurance to be swiftly implemented when Richardson moves into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue -- because "they're Americans, too," even though, technically, they aren't. But Richardson did crack one of the funniest jokes of the evening. All of his opponents shared the same likable characteristic -- they would make excellent vice presidents.

Hillary Clinton told the audience why "the best man for the job is a woman." Well, she admitted, she can't help that she's a woman. Extremely articulate and astute, Hillary even remembered the names of four video submittees from a montage sequence (albeit probably with the help of her notepad). While Richardson was up there babbling about how he wants our troops out in six months -- using the executive prerogative of the New Mexico governship, of course -- and Kucinich ranting about how he never voted for the war in the first place, Hillary wondered why the Administration doesn't even have a plan to start withdrawal, and why, when she asked about it in a Senate hearing, Bush's cronies accused her of being "unpatriotic." In the debate, Hillary never strayed into ad hominem attacks. Although she answered questions in a fashion equally equivocal to that of her colleagues, on some issues she actually propounded pragmatic-sounding proposals. For example, Hillary contends that no land troops should be sent to Darfur while they are thinned to the breaking point in Afghanistan and Iraq; instead the military should enforce a no-fly zone and provide support for humanitarian relief.

Finally, the man of the hour, Barack Obama, that upstart Senator from Illinois. The internet and myself agree that he won the debate. By staying away from anti-Hillary rhetoric and sounding like he has a vision, Barack came across as cool and charming. As summarized in his Youtube video, Barack = change, even if it only stems from his race. When asked if he is black enough, Barack replied, "You know, when I'm catching a cab in Manhattan ... in the past, I think I've given my credentials."