Top Five Fruits of All Time

To celebrate my live return from the field, I have decided to address an important facet of my life--fruit. Fruit is not only healthy but also delicious, thereby differentiating the dietary group from its adjacent planty counterpart on the food pyramid. My taste in fruit tends more towards the sour side, but I'm sure that JT will soon regale you with his more mundane list.

1. Kiwi.

Indisputably my favorite, the only downfall of this fruit is that when combined with milk, kiwi becomes unpalatable. The fruit's exterior fur is dissimilar to the skin of any other. Interiorly, kiwis possess a slightly tougher and sweeter core surrounded by a ring of edible seeds embedded in a more sour green matrix. Besides grapefruit, which comes later on my list, kiwi is the only fruit of which I know that gets its own utensil--the kiwi spoon, or spife. The spife has a rigid enough blade to saw through the fuzz and center of a kiwi with ease, allowing the connoisseur to shape her fruit into a polygonal solid.

2. Raspberry.

A close second, raspberries have many kiwiesque qualities. Small and indestructible seeds provide texture, a little hair covers the outside, and the pH is low enough to burn a canker sore. The nodular nature of the fruit allows for many dissection planes. The small central cavity is another source of raspberry amusement. Sharing the name raspberry is a rude form of expectoration that also plays an important role in my life. When I was four, my father taught me how to raspberry. Excited by my new skill, I decided to share the joy with a crotchety old lady at a buffet later that week by raspberrying in her soup. That is the closest I have come to excommunication from my family.

3. Lime.

This filamentous fruit bitterly takes bronze. Not only excellent in conjunction with prepared dishes, lime is surprisingly good when eaten alone. Introduced to the fruit by my grandmother, I have been a proponent of freestanding lime since a young age. She often placed a slice of the fruit alongside her famous avacado garnished salads.

4. Avocado.

Also advocated by my grandmother, avocado was an acquired taste for me. Not until a friend placed the fruit on a melted cheese sandwich did I see the light. A perfect avocado possesses a skin peelable into two or three pieces. After slicing longitudinally, one may caressingly twist the fruit into two parts around the smooth pit. Avacado is perfect on a variety of food, including blue corn tortilla chips and turkey sandwiches (a point my collaborator will surely protest).

5. Grapefruit.
The perfect breakfast item. After slicing the fruit in half widthwise, I recommend cutting around the perimeter to separate the meat from the rind, and then cutting between individual sections. After this efficient procedure, one can eat each section in turn without worrying about labor-intensive hassling. After the fruit is hollowed, one should press the grapefruit spoon against the inside skin to coax out the hidden juices. Although eating grapefruit requires significant effort, the ends justify the means.