WTF America

The other day, I saw Forbes Magazine sticking out of my family's pile of mail. One corner was showing, and I could see the smiling face of someone named Kristen Stewart. My first thought: "I didn't know Martha Stewart had a daughter."

I think every girl in America aged 12-18 just started hating me. Yes, up until yesterday, I had no clue who Kristen Stewart was. And before tonight, I had never seen Twilight.

What is it about Twilight that has brought me out of my two year slumber and returned me to the VD? It is not the good looks of Edward, the crazy hair of Jacob, or the audacity of Bela. It is the sick feeling I have in my stomach right now.

I understand the silly bandz fad: they can be traded, they can be hoarded, they can be worn. They're pretty cool. Lady Gaga makes at least a little sense: her individuality can be appealing and some of her music is kind of catchy (pa, pa, pa poker face). But Twilight? I don't get it. Why is America going gaga for this stuff? Why aren't Woody and Buzz gracing the cover of Forbes magazine instead of Stewart?

According to that Forbes magazine, Robert Pattinson, the male heroine in Twilight, is the 50th most powerful celebrity. He is ahead of Derek Jeter, Diddy, Leonardo Dicaprio, and Keifer Sutherland, among others. Kristen Stewart, the female star of the films, is not far behind, ranked 66 on the list.

Twilight is not a good movie. The first half is nothing but empty dialogue. Somehow, without saying anything of substance to each other ever, Bela and Edward fall wildly in love. The second half has some suspense to supplement the dialogue (the baseball scene is pretty cool, reminding me of quidditch scenes from Harry Potter), but is ultimately predictable and anticlimatic (bite Bela already!!!!!).

I returned home, after watching the first Twilight, in search of a answer to my questions. Twilight was not horrible. Yet, knowing the spot it holds in the American conscientiousness made it both maddening and curious. I can see why an abstinence-only health educator may show the film in sex-ed, but not why America would fall in love with it. There is a Twilight cookbook. What gives?

Tom Matlick, of the Huffington Post, says the films appeal to middle-aged women, who appreciate the strength and chivalry of the main male characters.

Another obvious possibility is that people are simply enamored by the attractive characters. Though I didn't see it in the first movie, I hear Jacob's got quite the hot bod, and Edward and Bela undoubtedly make an attractive couple.

According to star Kristen Stewart, the film's appeal has little to do with the supernatural and all to do with the personalities of the characters. If this were the case, though, then why have vampires been appearing everywhere we turn, independent of the Twilight characters? Furthermore, this would require that Bela have a personality, and she simply does not.

Professors from the University of Missouri Columbus have written a book about the craze: Bitten by Twilight: Youth Culture, Media, & The Vampire Franchise. According to a University of Missouri press release, the communication experts found that "fans obsessions stem from the traditional, idealized romantic relationship that stresses the importance of abstinence." Still, I don't understand why this storyline would have such a remarkable appeal in mainstream America. Have parents and schools brain-washed kids this much?

College shielded me from the birth of the Twilight phenomenon and now I am confused. Can someone please explain to me what's going on? I don't see the light.